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FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

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Made by Pfizer, Despondex is the first drug designed to treat the symptoms of excessive perkiness. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like ...

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The Onion comedy satire news Onion News Network ONN Food And Drug Administration (Organization) Drug (Taxonomy Subject) Depressant Funny Parody Spoof Humor Health Depression (Disease Or Medical Condition) Depression (Literature Subject) Sketch dominos domino's Domino Domino's domino domino&39;s pizza dipshit dumbass blag recluse radical awesome cool perfect babality dominoe game dots fun rectangle brilliant fantastic great outstanding extraordinary tops crap horrible awful nasty search final trial check essay lick exam fling ordeal try tryout oral proof comp conclusion assess prove verify confirm question analyze inquire validate assay try on match up stack up try out disprove breakdown dissection dissolution division inquiry investigation partition reasoning resolution scrutiny separation study subdivision test beat a dead horse chew over confab consider estimate evaluate figure figure out get down to brass tacks hash inspect interpret investigate judge kick around rehash resolve scrutinize sort out spell out talk game think through appraisal assessment estimation evaluation examination inspection measurement rating survey valuation appraise apprise check out examine eyeball measure peg rate read see size size up valuate value weigh claiming confrontation dare defiance demanding demur interrogation objection protest provocation remonstrance summons to contest threat ultimatum accost arouse ask for assert beard brave call for call out claim confront cross defy demand denounce exact face down face off face the music fly in the face of hang in impeach impose impugn insist upon invite competition make a point of make a stand object to provoke query reclaim require search out stand up to stick it out stimulate summon tax throw down the gauntlet vindicate analysis challenge TEST ceiling cap maximum curb check verge fence bound rim brim border brink end goal utmost edge margin far out bourne tops the max minimum middle inside freedom center opening start interior infinity hinder inhibit set bar lessen reduce narrow specify define appoint cramp delimit fix ration assign cork hem in aid allow help raise free open abuttals ambit barrier beginning borderland borderline bounds circumference circumscription compass confines environs extent extremity frame fringe frontier hem horizon limits line line of demarcation march mark mere mete outline outpost pale perimeter periphery precinct purlieus radius side skirt terminal termination terminus boundary circuit girth lip borders country dimension orbit proportions purview range reach region scope sweep term terrain territory confine district fringes locality outskirts suburb surroundings turf vicinity area avocation bailiwick calling champaign circle cup of tea demesne department discipline domain dominion environment job jurisdiction long suit métier occupation province racket speciality specialty thing vocation walk weakness work administration arbitration authority command commission control discretion domination empire field hegemony influence inquisition judicature magistracy might power prerogative reign right rule say slot sovereignty sphere stomping grounds supervision sway zone limit what what? english pronoun question pulp fiction bitch miserlou excuse me what what hello pshh body life mortal child being soul wight biped plant John/Jane Q. Public bodies body politic bourgeois cats citizens clan common people commonality community crowd family folk folks general public heads herd hoi polloi horde human race humanity humankind humans inhabitants kin masses mob mortals multitude nation nationality person in the street persons plebeians populace population proletariat public rabble race rank and file riffraff society tribe animal beast conscious thing creature entity human human being individual living thing organism person personage thing party animateness animation breath consciousness continuance endurance essence existence flesh flesh and blood growth living living being man metabolism mortal being presence subsistence substantiality survival symbiosis viability vital spark vitality wildlife woman character earthling living soul naked ape part somebody someone people Human warm blood soft skin ugly disguisting ape gorilla mammal domintion deviation weird aliens non skinned scales ignorant social aggression stupid 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decision select set surmise take a stand vote backbone command contribute decide Will feed chew dine inhale bite nibble ingest attack devour pick swallow scarf snack cram absorb scoff dispatch graze wolf bolt sup nosh gorge ruminate munch banquet digest fall to pig out put away take in lunch have for peck at pork out abstain open build drain gnaw spill decay melt vanish rot rust hoard unite grow save appear arrive annoy bait bug bully eat give the business goad harass harry hassle heckle hound importune insist on needle nudge pester plague ride tease torment work on champ chaw chaw on chomp clamp crunch crush cut hold lacerate masticate nip pierce pinch rend seize sever snap take a chunk out of taste tooth wound afflict aggravate agitate alarm badger bedevil bore browbeat carp at concern cross discommode disconcert disgust dismay displease disquiet distress disturb embarrass exacerbate exasperate grate on grieve hinder hurt impede inconvenience insult intrude upon irk irritate molest 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event exposition extravaganza marvel parade phenomenon representation sight spectacular tableau view wonder Comedy irony skit wit spoof squib seriousness burly caricature farce lampoon lampoonery mock mockery parody pastiche peep show revue satire send-up strip takeoff travesty vaudeville burlesque cartoon distortion imitation libel mimicry pasquinade put-on ridicule sham animation comic strip drawing representation sketch ball camp chaffing comic drama comicality comicalness drollery drollness facetiousness field day fun fun and games funnies funniness gag show grins high camp high time hilarity hoopla humor humorousness interlude jesting joking laughs light entertainment merry-go-round picnic play on schtick sitcom slapstick wisecracking witticism wittiness Bronx cheer backhanded compliment brickbat butt comeback contempt contumely crack dig disdain disparagement dump jab jest joke laughingstock laughter object of ridicule parting shot pilgarlic put-down raillery scoffing scorn slam slap sneering adumbration allegory alliteration allusion analogue analogy anaphora anticlimax antistrophe antithesis aposiopesis apostrophe asyndeton bathos comparison conceit device echoism ellipsis euphemism euphuism exaggeration expression flourish flower hyperbole image imagery litotes malapropism manner of speaking metaphor metonymy onomatopoeia ornament oxymoron parable paradox parallel personification proteron rhetoric sarcasm simile synecdoche trope tropology turn of phrase understatement way of speaking comedy derision figure of speech Satire story word advice account report message data rumor hearsay telegram tidings dispatch telecast scandal leak telling copy cable recital scoop release bulletin exposé lowdown silence truth history admonition advisement advocacy aid bum steer caution charge consultation counsel directions dissuasion encouragement exhortation forewarning guidance help information injunction input instruction judgment lesson news opinion persuasion prescription proposal proposition recommendation steer suggestion teaching telltale tip tip-off two cents' worth view warning word to the wise advertisement briefing broadcast broadcasting communication communiqué disclosure dissemination divulgence edict exposing exposition expression intimation narration notice notification prediction promulgation publication publishing recitation reporting revelation statement announcement break calendar flash handout hot wire item list news flash program skinny the dope what's going down what's happening comment cry grapevine rumble scuttlebutt talk whisper conversation converse declaration directive excerpt goods hot story ideas info inside story intelligence language missive note pipeline poop prophecy précis publicity speech summary translation utterance work buzz intimate intelligence juicy morsel the lowdown dirt NEWS story word advice account report message data rumor hearsay telegram tidings dispatch telecast scandal leak telling copy cable recital scoop release bulletin exposé lowdown silence truth history admonition advisement advocacy aid bum steer caution charge consultation counsel directions dissuasion encouragement exhortation forewarning guidance help information injunction input instruction judgment lesson news opinion persuasion prescription proposal proposition recommendation steer suggestion teaching telltale tip tip-off two cents' worth view warning word to the wise advertisement briefing broadcast broadcasting communication communiqué disclosure dissemination divulgence edict exposing exposition expression intimation narration notice notification prediction promulgation publication publishing recitation reporting revelation statement announcement break calendar flash handout hot wire item list news flash program skinny the dope what's going down what's happening comment cry grapevine rumble scuttlebutt talk whisper conversation converse declaration directive excerpt goods hot story ideas info inside story intelligence language missive note pipeline poop prophecy précis publicity speech summary translation utterance work buzz intimate intelligence juicy morsel the lowdown dirt NEWS web chain system grid net nexus plexus wattle fabric complex maze fiber mesh artery weave grill hookup jungle netting wiring tracks disorganization mingle meet hobnob avoid divide admix alloy ally coalesce combine come together compound consolidate fuse hook up with incorporate integrate interface intermix join together meld merge network pool team up tie in tie up unite bureaucracy chain of command hierarchy setup structure band binding connection cord fastening fetter gunk handcuff irons ligature link linkage manacle rope shackle stickum tie tie-in wire affiliation affinity attachment connective friendship interrelationship liaison marriage obligation relationship restraint union gossamer labyrinth snare tissue toil webbing amalgamate associate bind blend bond bracket bunch up coadjute commingle conjoin cooperate couple dub get together glue oneself to hitch on hook on join league marry mix plug into put together relate slap on stand in with synthesize tack on tag on team up with throw in together tie up with unify wed apparatus cobweb Network Net-Work Onns FDA FDAS F.D.A. favor accept admire acclaim handle like applaud commend esteem praise respect face it hate scorn deny refuse reject oppose okay uphold ratify sign back agree permit groove accede concur affirm seal assent second bless dig buy boost lap up veto object differ acknowledge approbate approve countenance fancy go for hold hold with recognize relish swallow take as gospel truth take stock in trust acquiesce admit adopt agree to assume avow bear check out comply concur with cooperate with give stamp of approval give the go-ahead give the green light give the nod rubber-stamp set store by sign off on take on take one up on thumbs up undertake blow horn celebrate cheer clap compliment eulogize exalt extol give a bouquet give a posy give kudos hail hand it to hear it for honor laud puff up push rave recommend root salute stroke appoint authorize certify commission empower enable endorse entrust guarantee license sanction vouch for allow attest to defend defer to grant own subscribe to support take an oath yield accommodate adapt adjust bow to cave in come across come around conform consent cry uncle cut a deal ditto give in give out go along jibe pass play ball reconcile roll over and play dead say uncle set shake on submit subscribe yes accredit downer relaxant calmant biologic cure depressant dope essence medicament medicinal medicine narcotic opiate pharmaceutic pharmaceutical physic pill poison potion prescription remedy sedative stimulant tonic black bleak blue cheerless dejected depressed depressing dismal dispirited dispiriting doleful down in the mouth downcast dragged dreary droopy gloomy have the blahs heavy low melancholic melancholy miserable mopey mournful sad saddening somber analgesic anodyne barbiturate calmative drug hypnotic knockout pill medication nerve medicine pacifier pain pill pain-killer quietive sleeping pill tranquillizer chill restraint wet blanket memento mori object of pity painful sight sad spectacle dormitive opium soporific tranquilizer joyless damper sorry sight Depressant poison remedy cure pill tonic potion dope opiate essence physic disease hit numb relax fix dose treat blunt ignore aid alleviation antidote assistance catholicon corrective counteractant counteragent countermeasure drug elixir elixir vitae healing healing agent help medicament medicant medication medicine nostrum panacea pharmacon placebo proprietary quick fix recovery redress reparation restora-tive therapeutic treatment balm cologne effusion extract fragrance juice liquor perfume scent spirits tincture black hash black oil cannabis ganja grass hash hemp marijuana narcotic pot big H candy crap diacetylmorphine doojee flea powder hard stuff horse junk mojo opium scag white stuff anesthetize bring under control captivate charm dull the will entrance fascinate hold under a spell induce lull to sleep magnetize make drowsy make sleepy mesmerize narcotize put to sleep soothe stupefy subject tosuggestion California sunshine Owsley Owsley's acid acid blotter acid blue heaven cubes dots electric Kool-aid hallucinogen instant Zen mellow yellows microdots purple haze strawberry fields sunshine tabs yellow sunshine hashish heroin hypnotize LSD Drugs drugs being now since after during pro toward to go to as long as cause considering for for the reason that inasmuch as seeing that whereas as a result of as things go by cause of by reason of by virtue of due to for the sake of in as much as in behalf of in that in the interest of in view of now that on the grounds that over owing to seeing thanks to through backing in agreement on the side of supporting all in all all things considered because everything being equal forasmuch as in consideration of in light of insomuch as pending taking into account accept advocate appreciate approbate approve back be in favor of be on one's side buck for champion choose commend cotton to countenance encourage endorse esteem eulogize fancy flash on go for hold with honor incline lean toward look up to opt for patronize pick praise prize regard highly root for sanction single out support take a liking to take a shine to take to think well of tilt toward value accordingly and so consequently ergo for this reason hence in consequence in that event on account of on the grounds then thence therefrom thereupon thus to that end whence wherefore behind favor therefore FOR fro fork form four fuck off fuck yourself go away leave me alone get lost forc fors forq indecently awkwardly miserably restlessly uneasily wretchedly annoyingly offensively unwelcomely agonizingly distressfully disturbingly excruciatingly irritatingly obnoxiously uncomfortably peppy bright jolly rosy upbeat joyful sunny merry cheery jaunty perky lively airy blithe gay glad hearty high jocund snappy zippy bouncy chirpy bucked zappy zingy cloudy pale upset dull gloomy down sad grave heavy animated cheerful effervescent elastic fanciful flippant frolicsome graceful happy high-spirited light light-hearted nonchalant resilient sprightly volatile whimsical abounding alert awake brisk bustling dynamic eager energetic overflowing quick ready replete rife sharp spirited spry stirring swarming teeming vigorous vital vivacious zestful affable amicable attractive benign breezy buddy-buddy charming clubby complaisant cool copacetic cordial cozy delightful downright neighborly easy engaging friendly genial good-humored good-natured gracious home cooking kind kindly lenient lovable mellow mild obliging palsy-walsy pleasant pleasing princely pussycat responsive right righteous sociable sweet-tempered swell tight warm warmhearted winning agreeable boffo camp campy cheering comical cut up diverting droll enchanting enjoyable entertaining for grins fun gladdening gratifying gut-busting humorous interesting jocular jokey joshing laughable priceless screaming sidesplitting too funny for words witty grinning radiant shining smiling sparkling buoyant carefree gladsome gleeful jovial lighthearted mirthful alive amiable amusing beaming Cheerful feed cuisine snack meat drink fare cooking meal bread grub table slop pabulum menu bite aliment board store larder fodder grit mess ration diet eatable tuck eats handout keep cheer chow support entrée vittles viand goodies cookery victual daily bread food provisions victuals course helping recipe serving beef brawn cells corpuscles fat fatness flesh and blood muscle plasm plasma protoplasm sinews thews weight animal food barley corn forage grain grass hay pasturage provender silage straw ammunition combustible electricity encouragement gas incitement juice material means nourishment propellant provocation alimentation alimony allowance bacon bread and butter care carrying conservation continuance continuation keeping livelihood living nurture preservation prolongation provision repairs resources retainment salt subsistence supply sustaining sustainment sustention upkeep wherewithal dish flesh fuel maintenance Food also moreover additionally again along along with and as well as well as besides conjointly further furthermore in conjunction with in like manner including likewise more more than that on top of over and above plus still to boot together with too withal added aggrandized amassed another augmented bounteous deeper else enhanced exceeding expanded extended extra farther fresh heavier higher in addition increased innumerable larger major massed new numerous other spare supplementary too many wider And? AND control agency rule policy charge conduct power running command order ignorance disregard failure neglect ministry cabinet bureau board upstairs general chair embassy advisers officers admiral stewards feds powers regime term reign tenure stay administering administration applying creaming dosing oiling rubbing treatment authority beadledom city hall civil service directorate government management officialdom officials powers that be red tape regulatory commission the Establishment the system administrators assembly assistants brain trust bureaucracy committee council counselors department heads governing body kitchen cabinet official family aegis auspices direction guardianship keeping ministration protection safekeeping superintendence supervision trust tutelage ward wardship area arena beat branch canton circuit commission commune constituency division force office parish precinct quarter range staff station subdivision territory tract unit activity assignment avocation bailiwick berth business capacity class classification domain dominion duty field function incumbency jurisdiction line niche occupation province realm responsibility slot specialty sphere spot vocation walk of life wing application care department Administration Taxonomy subject Subject droll silly absurd riot gay gas antic rich jolly blithe clever jocose joking merry witty wise usual sad weird queer aberrant anomalistic anomalous atypical bizarre curious deviant deviate deviating divergent eccentric exceptional extraordinary fantastic funny grody gross heteroclite heterodox heteromorphic irregular odd off-base off-color out of line peculiar preternatural screwy spastic strange uncommon unexpected unnatural unorthodox unusual Mickey Mouse batty boffo camp comical crazy dippy diverting dizzy entertaining facetious farcical flaky fool foolheaded for grins freaky gelastic goofus goofy gump horse's tail humorous ironic jerky jocular joshing laughable light loony ludicrous nutty off the wall priceless ridiculous risible schtick side-splitting wacky waggish whimsical campy clownish comic crack-up gagged up laffer preposterous quaint quizzical abnormal beat bent capricious characteristic cockeyed erratic far out freak freakish funky idiosyncratic kooky oddball off-center offbeat out in left field outlandish quirky singular unconventional way out wild absorbing affecting be a ball captivating charming cheerful cheering compelling delightful enchanting engaging engrossing enjoyable enthralling enticing entrancing exciting fascinating fun impressive inspiring interesting lively moving piquant pleasant pleasurable poignant provocative recreative relaxing restorative rousing scream stimulating stirring striking thrilling amusing capering dry fanciful flip flippant frivolous indecorous irreverent jesting not serious playful pulling one's leg punning putting one on salty sarcastic satirical smart sportive sprightly wisecracking wry Funnies Funny farce joke irony satire skit cartoon mimicry apology mockery roast lampoon mime jest takeoff copy rib play-on send-up praise truth mimic mock jeer distort deride ape put on sheik send up flatter approve be on bring down the house burlesque characterize do a turn dramatize emote enact feign go on go over ham ham it up impersonate lay an egg make debut mug parody perform personate personify play play act play gig play part play role portray pretend put it over rehearse represent say one's piece simulate star stooge strut take part tread the boards affect caricature counterfeit ditto do like echo emulate go like imitate make like mirror parrot take off travesty burly lampoonery pastiche peep show revue spoof strip vaudeville distortion imitation libel pasquinade put-on ridicule sham animation comic strip drawing representation sketch deception disguise fake make-believe pageant pantomime pretension pretentiousness trick act charade Parody prank satire parody sell bluff joke cheat phony hoax game sham jest fake deceit put-on quip honesty reality truth burly caricature farce lampoon lampoonery mock mockery pastiche peep show revue send-up spoof strip takeoff travesty vaudeville artifice baloney bamboozlement bill of goods bunco chicanery con con game cover up cozening deception dirty pool dirty trick dodge double-dealing fast one fast shuffle fix flimflam frame fraud gyp hanky-panky hoaxing humbug hustle imposture jazz jive plant racket rip-off run around scam shady deal shell game snow job sting stunt swindle trickery whitewash wrong blind crocodile tears dirty work duplicity feint fraudulence misrepresentation pretense ruse sellout shift smoke and mirrors soft soap stratagem subterfuge sweet talk trick wile baffle bamboozle beguile betray catch chicane circumvent cozen deceive defraud delude double-cross dust gull hoodwink hornswoggle jerk around kid mislead outwit overreach pull one's leg pull something rip off rook rope in shaft victimize actor bluffer charlatan counterfeit fabrication faker forgery four-flusher gold brick imitation imposition junque make-believe mountebank pretender pseudo reproduction sleight act affect assume copy disguise dissimulate fabricate feign forge put on put on an act simulate burlesque dupe Spoof farce joke banter whimsy gag wit fun joking gaiety jest levity sadness tragedy drama tone nature makeup whim vagary strain bent quirk mind fancy notion bias bee temper vein dislike hate afford aid arrange assist avail benefit bow comfort convenience defer favor furnish gratify help humor indulge oblige pamper please provide serve settle submit suit supply support sustain yield cater to cherish coddle cosset cuddle dandle dote on foster nurse overindulge pet satisfy spoil caper changeableness contrariety crotchet fad fickleness fitfulness fool notion freak impulse inconsistency inconstancy jerk kink mood peculiarity perversity put on rib thought baby cotton minister to outfit pander to procure provision purvey victual appearance aspect attribute badge caliber cast complex complexion constitution crasis disposition emotions estimation ethos frame frame of mind genius grain habit kind mettle morale mystique personality quality record reputation repute sense set shape singularity sort specialty spirit standing streak style temperament trait turn type branch brand breed caste character classification collection color degree denomination department description designation distinction division domain estate family feather genre genus grade grouping hierarchy ilk kidney league make mold name order origin property province range rank rate school sect section selection source species sphere status stripe value variety accommodate caprice cater class Humor energy fitness verdure tone shape pink fettle stamina state vigor form bloom prime disease illness appearance aspect build constitution health kilter mint order phase repair status trim bliss dreamland ecstasy elation exaltation exhilaration exultation frenzy glee high spirits intoxication joy joyousness jubilation madness rapture relaxation transport good health robustness strength anatomy being condition figure frame object outline person phenomenon physique silhouette thing torso advantage big break blessing break fluke fortunateness godsend good luck happiness in the cards karma kismet luckiness lucky break occasion opportunity profit prosperity run of luck serendipity smile streak of luck stroke success triumph victory weal wealth win windfall agreement assurance covenant guarantee oath promise toast undertaking vow warrant word euphoria luck pledge Health HEALTH distress dole trouble worry bummer dullness sorrow qualm gloom dumps sadness dolor misery ennui blahs vapors lowness joy hope surge bulge peace cheer drop sag crisis bust panic crash slump slide calm success rise bowl dent pit scoop void sink hole dip basin solid adversity anguish calamity cross crux depression difficulty disease disorder grief hardship illness infirmity misfortune ordeal pain plague plight scourge sickness suffering torment trial tribulation woe Weltschmerz agony apprehension blues dread mid-life crisis misgiving nervousness uneasiness bay concavity ewer gulf hollow lagoon pan pool pot sinkage sinkhole tub valley vessel washbasin washbowl watershed armpit atrium bursa caries chamber crater decay gap pocket sinus socket vacuity declivity decrease descent downslide downswing downtrend downturn drop-off fall-off hill incline lapse loss lowering pitch slip slope abatement compression condensation constriction contraction cutback decline declining decrescence diminution discount dwindling ebb falling off reduction shrinkage striction subsidence waning affliction angst cavity Depression disease Disease DisEASE curative healing iatric iatrical harmful hurting tonic sedative narcotic salutary peptic aesculapian curing medical medicative pharmaceutic remedial therapeutic medicinal Medical condition literature Literature books reading twilight stephanie meyer authors emerson american american literature johnson johnson & johnson porn magazine interwebs girl friend masterbation litter garbage road ditch picture account copy chart summary version piece cartoon survey figure doodle diagram shape design plan form draft report rough digest précis aperçu depict paint trace plot detail line chalk ignore forget neglect abridgement abstract abstraction clipping compendium compression condensation contraction outline precis reduction sketch syllabus synopsis bit curtain epilogue gag introduction number prologue routine scene schtick show spot turn chestnut episode fairy tale fish story incident long and short of it narration narrative old chestnut recital relation reminiscence short story tale tall story tall tale yarn adventures autobiography bio biog close-up confessions diary experiences journal letters life life history life story memoir personal account personal anecdote personal narrative personal record profile résumé saga vita arrange map out prepare archetype architectural plan game plan layout master plan model prototype rendering scheme abbreviation act anecdote biography block out blueprint Sketch
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