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Groupon - Lake Dredge Appraisal

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A Groupon deal brings a glut of new dredgers to the table. A deformed, polycephalic gull corpse may have value in certain circles. Subscribe to The Onion on ...

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The Onion comedy satire news Onion News Network Onion Digital Studios ONN appraisal reality polycephalic gull corpse referee court expert justice critic umpire bench arbiter warden honor marshal assessor magister try draw resolve conclude evaluate review assess put examine derive decide discern find consider deduct sentence rate value adjudge check condemn decree sit make mediate test suppose reckon estimate doom arrive gather rule collect settle place appraise esteem act on make out size up reject waver ignore praise begin start miss lose depart leave divide CEO President ambassador authority boss bureaucrat captain chair chairperson chief commander consul controller custodian dean director exec executive front office governor head head honcho head person inspector judge leader manager mayor minister officer official organizer overseer person upstairs premier prez producer superintendent supervisor Dutch uncle aide attorney backseat driver buttinski clubhouse lawyer coach confidant consultant counsel counselor doctor friend guide helper instructor kibitzer lawyer mentor monitor partner priest quarterback righthand person second-guesser teacher tutor assay beat a dead horse chew over confab figure figure out get down to brass tacks hash inspect interpret investigate kick around rehash scrutinize sort out spell out study talk game think through adjudicator arbitrator fixer go-between holdout maven mediator middleperson moderator adjudicate adjust bring to terms come to school come to terms conciliate determine hammer out a deal interpose intervene make a deal meet halfway negotiate parley pass judgment placate play ball reconcile smooth soothe step in straighten out strike happy medium trade off work out a deal administrator adviser analyze arbitrate Judge criticize disapprove denounce stigmatize kill gun pistol death weapon schadenfreude teasing self-centered unempathetic scapegoating courtroom runescape runevillage hammer banhammer ban read opinion understand judgedread judger judging dread flaws butts realize nose widen clean raise dig up absterge bath bathe blot brush cauterize clarify cleanse clear the decks clear up deodorize depurate deterge disinfect do up dredge dust edulcorate elutriate erase expunge expurgate flush hackle launder lave mop neaten pick pick up polish purge purify rake rasp refine rinse rout out sanitize scald scour scrape scrub shake out shampoo soak soap sponge spruce up sterilize straighten up swab sweep tidy up vacuum wash whisk winnow wipe dig dig out excavate expand extend hollow scoop out scrape out burrow examine explore ferret out go into gouge out inquire investigate jump into leave no stone unturned look into probe prospect ransack really get into research rummage search seek shovel sift spade trowel turn inside out unearth bore break up bulldoze cat channel concave deepen depress dig down discover drill drive enter exhume fork out gouge grub harvest hoe mine penetrate pierce pit produce quarry root root out rout sap scoop till tunnel turn over uncover undermine bail bale bucket decant dish draft off draw draw out handle lade lift offer reach into spoon strain besprinkle cover powder scatter spray spread delve dip DrEDGE Dredge pool pond basin lagoon creek spring sluice mouth mere loch tarn bath lake millpond mud puddle natatorium puddle splash swimming pool tank backlog cistern container fund holder nest egg receptacle reserve source stock stockpile storage store supply Davy Jones's locker abundance blue bounding main brine briny briny deep deep drink expanse main multitude number ocean plethora profusion sheet surf swell waves reservoir sea Lake lakes survey opinion stock pricing rating admiration aesthetic sense affection appraisal assessment attraction awareness cognizance commendation comprehension enjoyment esteem estimation grasp high regard knowledge liking love perception realization recognition regard relish respect responsivenesss sensibility sensitiveness sensitivity sympathy understanding valuation evaluation examination inspection investigation measurement test trial computation determination estimate judgment reckoning value judgment charge demand duty fee levy rate tariff tax taxation toll alternative choosing cull cup of tea decision discretion discrimination distinction druthers election extract favorite finding free will opportunity option pick preference say substitute variety verdict volition vote weakness appreciation comment commentary critique elucidation essay exposition notice observation pan rave review reviewal scorcher sideswipe sleighride study write-up assay choice criticism The Onion The Onions comic sudden tense affecting breathtaking climactic dramaturgic dramaturgical effective electrifying emotional expressive farcical histrionic impressive melodramatic powerful sensational spectacular startling striking suspenseful the histrionical The onion Onion ONION onions fun humor satire farce picnic takeoff drollery hoopla travesty 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seriousness burly caricature farce lampoon lampoonery mock mockery parody pastiche peep show revue satire send-up strip takeoff travesty vaudeville burlesque cartoon distortion imitation libel mimicry pasquinade put-on ridicule sham animation comic strip drawing representation sketch ball camp chaffing comic drama comicality comicalness drollery drollness facetiousness field day fun fun and games funnies funniness gag show grins high camp high time hilarity hoopla humor humorousness interlude jesting joking laughs light entertainment merry-go-round picnic play on schtick sitcom slapstick wisecracking witticism wittiness Bronx cheer backhanded compliment brickbat butt comeback contempt contumely crack dig disdain disparagement dump jab jest joke laughingstock laughter object of ridicule parting shot pilgarlic put-down raillery scoffing scorn slam slap sneering adumbration allegory alliteration allusion analogue analogy anaphora anticlimax antistrophe antithesis aposiopesis apostrophe asyndeton bathos comparison conceit device echoism ellipsis euphemism euphuism exaggeration expression flourish flower hyperbole image imagery litotes malapropism manner of speaking metaphor metonymy onomatopoeia ornament oxymoron parable paradox parallel personification proteron rhetoric sarcasm simile synecdoche trope tropology turn of phrase understatement way of speaking comedy derision figure of speech Satire story word advice account report message data rumor hearsay telegram tidings dispatch telecast scandal leak telling copy cable recital scoop release bulletin exposé lowdown silence truth history admonition advisement advocacy aid bum steer caution charge consultation counsel directions dissuasion encouragement exhortation forewarning guidance help information injunction input instruction judgment lesson news opinion persuasion prescription proposal proposition recommendation steer suggestion teaching telltale tip tip-off two cents' worth view warning word to the wise advertisement briefing broadcast broadcasting communication communiqué disclosure dissemination divulgence edict exposing exposition expression intimation narration notice notification prediction promulgation publication publishing recitation reporting revelation statement announcement break calendar flash handout hot wire item list news flash program skinny the dope what's going down what's happening comment cry grapevine rumble scuttlebutt talk whisper conversation converse declaration directive excerpt goods hot story ideas info inside story intelligence language missive note pipeline poop prophecy précis publicity speech summary translation utterance work buzz intimate intelligence juicy morsel the lowdown dirt NEWS story word advice account report message data rumor hearsay telegram tidings dispatch telecast scandal leak telling copy cable recital scoop release bulletin exposé lowdown silence truth history admonition advisement advocacy aid bum steer caution charge consultation counsel directions dissuasion encouragement exhortation forewarning guidance help information injunction input instruction judgment lesson news opinion persuasion prescription proposal proposition recommendation steer suggestion teaching telltale tip tip-off two cents' worth view warning word to the wise advertisement briefing broadcast broadcasting communication communiqué disclosure dissemination divulgence edict exposing exposition expression intimation narration notice notification prediction promulgation publication publishing recitation reporting revelation statement announcement break calendar flash handout hot wire item list news flash program skinny the dope what's going down what's happening comment cry grapevine rumble scuttlebutt talk whisper conversation converse declaration directive excerpt goods hot story ideas info inside story intelligence language missive note pipeline poop prophecy précis publicity speech summary translation utterance work buzz intimate intelligence juicy morsel the lowdown dirt NEWS web chain system grid net nexus plexus wattle fabric complex maze fiber mesh artery weave grill hookup jungle netting wiring tracks disorganization mingle meet hobnob avoid divide admix alloy ally coalesce combine come together compound consolidate fuse hook up with incorporate integrate interface intermix join together meld merge network pool team up tie in tie up unite bureaucracy chain of command hierarchy setup structure band binding connection cord fastening fetter gunk handcuff irons ligature link linkage manacle rope shackle stickum tie tie-in wire affiliation affinity attachment connective friendship interrelationship liaison marriage obligation relationship restraint union gossamer labyrinth snare tissue toil webbing amalgamate associate bind blend bond bracket bunch up coadjute commingle conjoin cooperate couple dub get together glue oneself to hitch on hook on join league marry mix plug into put together relate slap on stand in with synthesize tack on tag on team up with throw in together tie up with unify wed apparatus cobweb Network Net-Work clone brain mini laptop CPU mac mainframe abacus analog micro binary exponent fraction integral numeral numerary alphabetic automated adding machine artificial intelligence calculator data processor digital electronic brain microcomputer minicomputer number cruncher personal computer thinking machine algebraic algorithmic arithmetic arithmetical differential exponential fractional logarithm logarithmic mathematical statistical cybernated programmed integrated numerical computer numeric computerized Digital salon shop den TV room entertaining family room library media room playroom rec room recreation room rumpus room studio exhibit exhibition room hall museum showroom wing apartment attic dormer garret storage flat garden apartment small apartment atelier establishment factory laboratory mill plant foundry works gallery loft studio apartment workshop Studio Onns survey opinion stock pricing rating admiration aesthetic sense affection appraisal assessment attraction awareness cognizance commendation comprehension enjoyment esteem estimation grasp high regard knowledge liking love perception realization recognition regard relish respect responsivenesss sensibility sensitiveness sensitivity sympathy understanding valuation evaluation examination inspection investigation measurement test trial computation determination estimate judgment reckoning value judgment charge demand duty fee levy rate tariff tax taxation toll alternative choosing cull cup of tea decision discretion discrimination distinction druthers election extract favorite finding free will opportunity option pick preference say substitute variety verdict volition vote weakness appreciation comment commentary critique elucidation essay exposition notice observation pan rave review reviewal scorcher sideswipe sleighride study write-up assay choice criticism matter truth realism presence being entity deed solidity object validity realness verity idea theory belief achievement actualization attainment brass tacks fact materiality materialization real world reality straight stuff substance substantiality what it is actuality animation journey life living subsistence vitality world basis conclusion core crux determination essence fiber final decision fundamentals income key point last word loss main idea main point main thing meat and potatoes name of the game net nitty-gritty nuts and bolts point profit sum and substance what it's all about whole story consequence foregone conclusion inevitable result sure thing surety accomplishment act action adventure ballgame big idea bit byplay cause commission crusade enterprise exploit feat follow through game happenin' performance plan quest securing stunt thing tour de force winning clout drift effectiveness efficacy efficiency enforcement execution force implementation import imprint influence mark meaning power purport purpose sense significance strength tenor use vigor weight bottom line certainty effect Reality inferno heat blaze bonfire embers searing warmth glow hearth element tinder flare pyre sparks flames coals apathy lethargy dullness attack salvo hail volley round light force energy ginger gusto dash zing brio zip pep fervor snap luster life ardor punch vim spirit zeal verve drive élan starch calm ignite kindle enkindle hire bore dull shoot hurl launch shell eject fling toss loose cast pitch heave hold keep rouse incite exalt inform stir thrill soothe slow weaken deter retard please oust expel drop sack boot can kick out lay off activate arouse cheer embolden encourage energize enliven excite fire gladden hearten impel inspire inspirit instigate invigorate liven make alive move quicken revive revivify spark spur stimulate urge vitalize vivify avidity devotion eagerness earnestness feeling fierceness intensity jazz keenness oomph passion pep talk turn on vehemence weakness zest bounce cancel cut back discharge dispense with eliminate get rid of give a pink slip give the boot remove terminate throw out battery blast bombardment broadside cannonade crossfire curtain of fire enfilade fusillade gunfire shelling shower storm beam burst out coruscate explode flame flash flicker fulgurate glare gleam illuminate illumine incandesce jet radiate scintillate shimmer shine sparkle chase chuck cut dismiss dropkick eighty-six evict extrude knock punt shove animate barrage FIRE Fire banner symbol flag logo motto badge image memento figure sign colors design seal arms mark regalia brand impress device medal scepter type token pennant marker apologue emblem fable figuration moral myth parable story symbolism symbolization tale typification blazonry coat emblazonry ensign escutcheon heraldry insignia shield signet banderole burgee gonfalon heading headline pennon standard streamer brand name hallmark imprint logotype stamp trademark welt cipher hieroglyph letter monogram number numeral rune advertisement decalcomania decorative picture allegory character decal hero advocate ally backer challenger champ conqueror defender endorser exponent expounder guardian heroine medalist nonpareil number one numero uno paladin partisan patron proponent protector supporter sympathizer the greatest titleholder top dog upholder vanquisher victor vindicator warrior winner adversary antagonist assailant attacker battler belligerent contender enemy foe serviceman soldier aspirant candidate combatant contester dark horse disputant entrant favorite hopeful member participant player rival scrapper team member aggressor boxer brawler bruiser bully champion competitor contestant duelist gladiator heavy jouster mercenary militant opponent person-at-arms pugilist punching bag serviceperson slugger tanker warlord wildcat hireling legionnaire merc professional soldier slave soldier of fortune activist demonstrator fighter objector protester rioter Warrior warriors Warriors amazing intelligent boss samurai determined cat cats kitten kittens book books cool best erin hunter pingjar online warrior host warrior fios&39;d call of duty coney island new york city framed the warriors beat down record notes acta account agenda appointment book chronicle daily record daybook engagement book journal log minutes notebook almanac annals annual calendar chronology comic book daily diary gazette ledger magazine memento memoir monthly newspaper note observation organ paper periodical publication rag register reminder reminiscence review scandal sheet statement tabloid weekly affairs archives business dealings documents doings matters records transactions archive directory document documentation entry evidence file history inscription jacket legend manuscript memo memorandum memorial monument paper trail registry remembrance report script scroll story swindle sheet testimony trace track record transcript transcription witness writing written material carbon copy ditto duplicate facsimile hard copy imprint mimeograph print recorded material recording reprint reproduction translation instant jiffy little while minute moment second space spell stretch tick while proceedings bit Minute Xbox [tm] video game Nintendo nintendo shift reversal swap stagnation inactivity convert veer replace turn divert deviate deflect trade shunt keep stay 180 degree turn U-turn change change in direction changeabout double doubleback overturning policy change repeal retraction reverse switch turnabout turnaround volte-face about-face accommodation adaptation adjustment amendment conversion correction difference diversification exchange fixing flip-flop metamorphosis mid-course correction modification mutation reformation remodeling reshaping revision switch-over transformation transmutation variance variation angle bearing direction facet feature gimmick hand outlook perspective phase point of view position prospect regard scene side situation slant twist view vista bash bat biff blast blow bop clobber slam slug smack smash sock strap wallop whip whop adjuster dial knob on/off power switch toggle tuner addition advance break compression contraction development distortion diversity innovation modulation novelty permutation reconstruction refinement revolution surrogate tempering transition turnover variety vicissitude alteration aspect belt button switches Switch gameplay 60 fps fire emblem Fire Emblem rpg strategy marth fire emblem awsome crack ike joshua roy lyn video games video games inferno heat blaze bonfire embers searing warmth glow hearth element tinder flare pyre sparks flames coals apathy lethargy dullness attack salvo hail volley round light force energy ginger gusto dash zing brio zip pep fervor snap luster life ardor punch vim spirit zeal verve drive élan starch calm ignite kindle enkindle hire bore dull shoot hurl launch shell eject fling toss loose cast pitch heave hold keep rouse incite exalt inform stir thrill soothe slow weaken deter retard please oust expel drop sack boot can kick out lay off activate arouse cheer embolden encourage energize enliven excite fire gladden hearten impel inspire inspirit instigate invigorate liven make alive move quicken revive revivify spark spur stimulate urge vitalize vivify avidity devotion eagerness earnestness feeling fierceness intensity jazz keenness oomph passion pep talk turn on vehemence weakness zest bounce cancel cut back discharge dispense with eliminate get rid of give a pink slip give the boot remove terminate throw out battery blast bombardment broadside cannonade crossfire curtain of fire enfilade fusillade gunfire shelling shower storm beam burst out coruscate explode flame flash flicker fulgurate glare gleam illuminate illumine incandesce jet radiate scintillate shimmer shine sparkle chase chuck cut dismiss dropkick eighty-six evict extrude knock punt shove animate barrage FIRE Fire banner symbol flag logo motto badge image memento figure sign colors design seal arms mark regalia brand impress device medal scepter type token pennant marker apologue emblem fable figuration moral myth parable story symbolism symbolization tale typification blazonry coat emblazonry ensign escutcheon heraldry insignia shield signet banderole burgee gonfalon heading headline pennon standard streamer brand name hallmark imprint logotype stamp trademark welt cipher hieroglyph letter monogram number numeral rune advertisement decalcomania decorative picture allegory character decal hero advocate ally backer challenger champ conqueror defender endorser exponent expounder guardian heroine medalist nonpareil number one numero uno paladin partisan patron proponent protector supporter sympathizer the greatest titleholder top dog upholder vanquisher victor vindicator warrior winner adversary antagonist assailant attacker battler belligerent contender enemy foe serviceman soldier aspirant candidate combatant contester dark horse disputant entrant favorite hopeful member participant player rival scrapper team member aggressor boxer brawler bruiser bully champion competitor contestant duelist gladiator heavy jouster mercenary militant opponent person-at-arms pugilist punching bag serviceperson slugger tanker warlord wildcat hireling legionnaire merc professional soldier slave soldier of fortune activist demonstrator fighter objector protester rioter Warrior warriors Warriors amazing intelligent boss samurai determined cat cats kitten kittens book books cool best erin hunter pingjar online warrior host warrior fios&39;d call of duty coney island new york city framed the warriors beat down Koei tecmo 1080 2017 groupon Groupon fool dupe trick gyp be honest bamboozle beat beat out of beguile betray bilk buffalo burn cheat circumvent clip con cozen cross up defraud delude disappoint double-cross ensnare entrap fake falsify fleece gouge gull hoax hoodwink hook humbug impose upon lead on outwit play joke on pull fast one put on rob scam screw sell skin suck in swindle take advantage of take for take for ride take in take to cleaners victimize bluff caboodle disinform do a number on illude impose on jive juggle lead up garden path misguide mislead mousetrap outfox play trick on snow string along sucker baffle catch chicane deceive dust flimflam hornswoggle jerk around kid overreach pull one's leg pull something rip off rook rope in shaft spoof chisel diddle gip hose pull a fast one sandbag steal take for a ride fake out fox juke make believe play a trick on play-act pretend put one over on trifle hustle stick Gull Gulls body stiff bones mort cage carcass corpse deceased remains skeleton cadaver framework hulk shell cold meat loved one clay dead man carrion dead body Corpse
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