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Middle-Aged Waiter Sadly Not Involved In Any Creative Endeavor

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Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Though 48 years old and employed full time waiting tables at a New American bistro, local man Phillip ...

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The Onion comedy satire news Onion News Network ONN ONNCast humor Sadness (Symptom) Restaurant (Industry) Waiter (Film) Depression (Disease Or Medical Condition) Creativity (Literary School Or Movement) Art (Collection Category) Artist (Job Title) medium center average median mean inside between halfway inner medial mezzo midmost outer border heart midst core waist media deep focus marrow thick midriff outside margin bay window belly bowels breadbasket corporation gut guts intestines middle midsection paunch pot potbelly spare tire tummy venter viscera intermediate midpoint norm par rule standard usual axial basic cardinal centric centroidal chief dominant equidistant essential focal foremost fundamental important inmost interior key leading master mid middlemost midway nuclear omphalic outstanding overriding paramount pivotal predominant primary prime radical ruling salient significant umbilical amount base basis body bottom line bulk burden consequence corpus crux essence foundation import importance kernel main idea mass meat meat and potatoes nitty gritty nub nucleus origin pith pivot purport quick root significance staple substance thrust upshot Davy Jones's locker Poseidon's realm blue brine briny drink main ocean the high seas abdomen central middles Middle elderly antique gray ancient shot worn passé rusty age-old oldie creaky young new fresh aged antediluvian antiquated archaic back number been around bygone early few miles on fossil hoary lot of mileage moth-eaten obsolete old goat old-fashioned older out-of-date outmoded primal primeval primordial relic remote superannuated timeworn venerable worse for wear primitive dated fusty moldy obsolescent old old hat old-fangled outworn outdated prehistoric anile battered bedraggled broken-down crippled dilapidated doddering effete feeble flimsy fragile frail haggard incapacitated infirm insubstantial quavering ramshackle rickety run-down seedy senile shabby shaking tacky threadbare tired tottering tumble-down unsound used wasted weak weakly weather-beaten worn-out aging declining long in tooth no spring chicken olden on last leg over the hill retired antiquarian decrepit slaver tray salver garcon attendant butler carhop host hostess maître d' maître d'hôtel servant steward stewardess waiter waitress flight attendant maitre d' porter server administrator agent bailiff chamberlain curator dapifer director foreman guardian magistrate major-domo manager manciple officer proctor purveyor reeve seneschal waitperson Waiter wistfully dismally dolefully gloomily joylessly morosely happily acutely affectingly distressingly feelingly genuinely gravely intensely mournfully movingly passionately profoundly sadly seriously severely surely thoroughly to the quick cynically darkly dejectedly desolately despairingly desperately despondently disconsolately dispiritedly emptily pessimistically spiritlessly badly distressfully greatly grievously heartbrokenly painfully very woefully in sadness in sorrow weepingly disastrously horribly lamentably miserably regrettably unhappily unsuccessfully unfortunately unluckily deeply hopelessly sorely sorrowfully no more nix nay not not at all not either never neither NOT muddled winding tangled complex knotty Gordian mazy simple clear easy affected concerned caught hooked occupied into embroiled entangled enmeshed captivated consumed deep in thought engaged engrossed fascinated fixed gone head over heels held immersed intent involved lost preoccupied rapt really into up to here wrapped up Greek to me abstract clear as dishwater complicated deep enigmatic esoteric heavy hidden incomprehensible intricate muddy obscure perplexing profound puzzling recondite subtle unfathomable vague Daedalean abstruse bewildering byzantine circuitous confused convoluted crabbed cryptic discursive disordered disturbing excursive impenetrable inscrutable interwoven jumbled knotted labyrinthine meandering mingled mixed paradoxical rambling round-about sinuous snarled sophisticated tortuous undecipherable arduous can of worms difficult elaborate fancy gasser hard hi-tech interlaced mega factor problematic troublesome various wheels within wheels anarchic blurred chaotic disarranged disorderly disorganized haywire in a muddle in disarray messy miscalculated miscellaneous mistaken misunderstood obscured out of order snafu topsy-turvy unsettled untidy baffling serpentine absorbed Involved all either each a bit any bar none barring no one complete each and every entire every every bit of every single sum total totality whole exclusive individual one by one particular personal piece by piece respective separate several single specific various without exception allotment apportionment articulation atom bit bite branch chip chunk component constituent cut department detail division element extra factor fraction fragment helping hunk ingredient installment item limb lot lump measure meed member module moiety molecule organ parcel particle partition piece quantum quota ration scrap section sector segment share side slab slice sliver splinter subdivision unit a few a lot certain considerable definite different disparate distinct divers diverse handful hardly any indefinite infrequent manifold many not many numerous only a few plural proportionate quite a few rare scant scanty scarce scarcely any small number some sparse special sundry a little part of everything whatsoever part whatever Anys anies gifted clever cool hip inept old artistic creative gorgeous inventive aesthetic cultivated cultured decorative dramatic elegant exquisite fine graceful grand harmonious ideal imaginative musical ornamental pictorial picturesque pleasing poetic refined rhythmical sensitive stimulating stylish sublime tasteful able adroit bright canny crafty cunning deviceful dexterous innovational innovative innovatory intelligent original ready resourceful shrewd skillful sly subtle bookish brainy cerebral highbrow highbrowed intellective learned mental phrenic psychological rational scholarly studious subjective thoughtful acute alert alive all there apt astute brilliant calculating capable comprehending deep discerning enlightened exceptional ingenious instructed keen knowing knowledgeable penetrating perceptive perspicacious profound quick quick-witted reasonable responsible sage sharp smart thinking together understanding well-informed whiz wise witty avant garde breaking new ground causal causative conceiving demiurgic devising envisioning fertile formative generative inspiring novel originative productive seminal unconventional unprecedented untried unusual intellectual Creative mp3 player mp3 battery functional intuitive genius school teachers annoying fish wierd arty out of the box advert design function form visual communication aim effort essay whirl lick shot toil fling work header labor try trial stab push whack all try-on fun peace aspire strive scratch strain hassle apply intend seek hump hustle assay risk offer purpose address plug buck dig grind sweat venture go for take on bid for laze ignore conceal hide put off forget neglect pass idle rest be idle act avocation bag ballgame bit deed endeavor enterprise entertainment game hobby job occupation pastime project racket scene scheme stunt task trip undertaking zoo angle attempt cast concentrate contemplate covet design direct fix focus level mean plan propose set one's sights on sight slant steer target train want wish zero in on zoom in ambition ambitiousness craving desire direction dream eagerness fire in the belly hankering inclination longing object objective passion pursuit right stuff urge vocation yearning all one's got attack bid crack dry run exertion experiment one's all one's darnedest one's level best striving struggle tryout workout do level best exert oneself give a fling give a whirl give best shot give it a go give it a try give old college try go the limit have a crack have a go at make a run at pursue shoot the works solicit tackle take a stab at take best shot try one's hand at undertake adventure be bold brave endanger gamble go ahead hazard make bold pluck up presume run the risk speculate stake take a chance take heart try one's hand activity aspiration dare Endeavor The Onion The Onions comic sudden tense affecting breathtaking climactic dramaturgic dramaturgical effective electrifying emotional expressive farcical histrionic impressive melodramatic powerful sensational spectacular startling striking suspenseful the histrionical The onion Onion ONION onions fun humor satire farce picnic takeoff drollery hoopla travesty hilarity ball camp jesting joking sitcom laughs funnies grins schtick chaffing gag show play on send-up sadness tragedy Broadway boards climax comedy dramatic art dramatization dramaturgy footlights histrionic art melodrama play production scene show show business showmanship stage show stagecraft tear-jerker theater theatricals thespian art vehicle crisis dramatics emotion excitement histrionics spectacle tension theatrics absurdity broad comedy buffoonery burlesque caricature high camp horseplay interlude joke low camp mock mockery parody pratfall comedy ridiculousness sham skit slapstick curtain-raiser drama entertainment flop hit mask musical one-act opera performance potboiler smash smash hit theatrical turkey act appearance carnival cinema film flick motion picture movie pageant picture presentation showing curiosity demonstration display event exposition extravaganza marvel parade phenomenon representation sight spectacular tableau view wonder Comedy irony skit wit spoof squib seriousness burly caricature farce lampoon lampoonery mock mockery parody pastiche peep show revue satire send-up strip takeoff travesty vaudeville burlesque cartoon distortion imitation libel mimicry pasquinade put-on ridicule sham animation comic strip drawing representation sketch ball camp chaffing comic drama comicality comicalness drollery drollness facetiousness field day fun fun and games funnies funniness gag show grins high camp high time hilarity hoopla humor humorousness interlude jesting joking laughs light entertainment merry-go-round picnic play on schtick sitcom slapstick wisecracking witticism wittiness Bronx cheer backhanded compliment brickbat butt comeback contempt contumely crack dig disdain disparagement dump jab jest joke laughingstock laughter object of ridicule parting shot pilgarlic put-down raillery scoffing scorn slam slap sneering adumbration allegory alliteration allusion analogue analogy anaphora anticlimax antistrophe antithesis aposiopesis apostrophe asyndeton bathos comparison conceit device echoism ellipsis euphemism euphuism exaggeration expression flourish flower hyperbole image imagery litotes malapropism manner of speaking metaphor metonymy onomatopoeia ornament oxymoron parable paradox parallel personification proteron rhetoric sarcasm simile synecdoche trope tropology turn of phrase understatement way of speaking comedy derision figure of speech Satire story word advice account report message data rumor hearsay telegram tidings dispatch telecast scandal leak telling copy cable recital scoop release bulletin exposé lowdown silence truth history admonition advisement advocacy aid bum steer caution charge consultation counsel directions dissuasion encouragement exhortation forewarning guidance help information injunction input instruction judgment lesson news opinion persuasion prescription proposal proposition recommendation steer suggestion teaching telltale tip tip-off two cents' worth view warning word to the wise advertisement briefing broadcast broadcasting communication communiqué disclosure dissemination divulgence edict exposing exposition expression intimation narration notice notification prediction promulgation publication publishing recitation reporting revelation statement announcement break calendar flash handout hot wire item list news flash program skinny the dope what's going down what's happening comment cry grapevine rumble scuttlebutt talk whisper conversation converse declaration directive excerpt goods hot story ideas info inside story intelligence language missive note pipeline poop prophecy précis publicity speech summary translation utterance work buzz intimate intelligence juicy morsel the lowdown dirt NEWS story word advice account report message data rumor hearsay telegram tidings dispatch telecast scandal leak telling copy cable recital scoop release bulletin exposé lowdown silence truth history admonition advisement advocacy aid bum steer caution charge consultation counsel directions dissuasion encouragement exhortation forewarning guidance help information injunction input instruction judgment lesson news opinion persuasion prescription proposal proposition recommendation steer suggestion teaching telltale tip tip-off two cents' worth view warning word to the wise advertisement briefing broadcast broadcasting communication communiqué disclosure dissemination divulgence edict exposing exposition expression intimation narration notice notification prediction promulgation publication publishing recitation reporting revelation statement announcement break calendar flash handout hot wire item list news flash program skinny the dope what's going down what's happening comment cry grapevine rumble scuttlebutt talk whisper conversation converse declaration directive excerpt goods hot story ideas info inside story intelligence language missive note pipeline poop prophecy précis publicity speech summary translation utterance work buzz intimate intelligence juicy morsel the lowdown dirt NEWS web chain system grid net nexus plexus wattle fabric complex maze fiber mesh artery weave grill hookup jungle netting wiring tracks disorganization mingle meet hobnob avoid divide admix alloy ally coalesce combine come together compound consolidate fuse hook up with incorporate integrate interface intermix join together meld merge network pool team up tie in tie up unite bureaucracy chain of command hierarchy setup structure band binding connection cord fastening fetter gunk handcuff irons ligature link linkage manacle rope shackle stickum tie tie-in wire affiliation affinity attachment connective friendship interrelationship liaison marriage obligation relationship restraint union gossamer labyrinth snare tissue toil webbing amalgamate associate bind blend bond bracket bunch up coadjute commingle conjoin cooperate couple dub get together glue oneself to hitch on hook on join league marry mix plug into put together relate slap on stand in with synthesize tack on tag on team up with throw in together tie up with unify wed apparatus cobweb Network Net-Work Onns farce joke banter whimsy gag wit fun joking gaiety jest levity sadness tragedy drama tone nature makeup whim vagary strain bent quirk mind fancy notion bias bee temper vein dislike hate afford aid arrange assist avail benefit bow comfort convenience defer favor furnish gratify help humor indulge oblige pamper please provide serve settle submit suit supply support sustain yield cater to cherish coddle cosset cuddle dandle dote on foster nurse overindulge pet satisfy spoil caper changeableness contrariety crotchet fad fickleness fitfulness fool notion freak impulse inconsistency inconstancy jerk kink mood peculiarity perversity put on rib thought baby cotton minister to outfit pander to procure provision purvey victual appearance aspect attribute badge caliber cast complex complexion constitution crasis disposition emotions estimation ethos frame frame of mind genius grain habit kind mettle morale mystique personality quality record reputation repute sense set shape singularity sort specialty spirit standing streak style temperament trait turn type branch brand breed caste character classification collection color degree denomination department description designation distinction division domain estate family feather genre genus grade grouping hierarchy ilk kidney league make mold name order origin property province range rank rate school sect section selection source species sphere status stripe value variety accommodate caprice cater class Humor sorrow grief misery anguish letdown bummer woe downer funk dolor mopes blahs dismals joy cheer dejection despondency doldrums dumps gloom gloominess glumness heavy heart low spirits melancholy moodiness mournfulness sadness the dismals the mopes unhappiness abasement abjection abjectness bleakness blue funk cheerlessness desolation desperation disconsolation discouragement dispiritedness distress dole dolefulness downheartedness dreariness dullness ennui heaviness of heart heavyheartedness hopelessness lowness lugubriosity melancholia mortification qualm the blues trouble vapors woefulness worry despair loneliness mourning wretchedness cold feet depression disappointment discomfiture dismay loss of confidence pessimism ache affliction anxiety bad news blues care concern cross discomfort disquietude embarrassment headache heartache heartbreak irritation malaise ordeal pang perplexity shame stew suffering throe torment torture trial tribulation twinge unconsolability vexation visitation worriment agony passion ruth Sadness Symptoms bar diner joint inn outlet saloon grill dive canteen café eatery hashery lounge restaurant tavern cafeteria charcuterie deli sandwich shop subway shop cafe counter fast food food festival smorgasbord bistro cabaret casino disco discotheque hideaway honky-tonk night spot nightery nitery roadhouse speakeasy spot supper club theatre watering hole snack bar delicatessen food court nightclub luncheonette Restaurant restau-rant restaurants industry film Film distress dole trouble worry bummer dullness sorrow qualm gloom dumps sadness dolor misery ennui blahs vapors lowness joy hope surge bulge peace cheer drop sag crisis bust panic crash slump slide calm success rise bowl dent pit scoop void sink hole dip basin solid adversity anguish calamity cross crux depression difficulty disease disorder grief hardship illness infirmity misfortune ordeal pain plague plight scourge sickness suffering torment trial tribulation woe Weltschmerz agony apprehension blues dread mid-life crisis misgiving nervousness uneasiness bay concavity ewer gulf hollow lagoon pan pool pot sinkage sinkhole tub valley vessel washbasin washbowl watershed armpit atrium bursa caries chamber crater decay gap pocket sinus socket vacuity declivity decrease descent downslide downswing downtrend downturn drop-off fall-off hill incline lapse loss lowering pitch slip slope abatement compression condensation constriction contraction cutback decline declining decrescence diminution discount dwindling ebb falling off reduction shrinkage striction subsidence waning affliction angst cavity Depression disease Disease DisEASE curative healing iatric iatrical harmful hurting tonic sedative narcotic salutary peptic aesculapian curing medical medicative pharmaceutic remedial therapeutic medicinal Medical condition talent ingenuity genius vision reality ability accomplishment artfulness brilliance craftship creativity finesse flair mastery proficiency style taste touch virtuosity workmanship Atlantis air castle apparition appearance bubble chimera conceiving daydream delusion envisioning externalizing fabrication fairyland fancy fancying fantasia figment flight flight of imagination fool's paradise hallucination head trip illusion imaginativeness imagining invention mind trip mirage nightmare objectifying originality rainbow reverie trip utopia vagary Einstein acumen acuteness adept aptitude aptness astuteness bent brain capability capacity discernment endowment expert faculty grasp head imagination inclination inspiration intelligence inventiveness knack mature percipience perspicacity power precocity prodigy propensity prowess reach sagacity superability turn understanding virtuoso wisdom artistry awareness cognition conception creation creative thought enterprise fantasy flight of fancy idea ideality image imagery insight mental agility notion perceptibility realization resourcefulness sally supposition thought thoughtfulness unreality verve visualization wit wittiness adroitness brains brightness cunning dexterity gumption shrewdness skill smartness afflatus animus approach arousal awakening brainchild brainstorm deep think elevation encouragement enthusiasm exaltation flash hunch illumination impulse incentive inflatus influence motivation motive muse revelation rumble spark spur stimulation whim Creativity Literary literary academy hall jail faculty college group class party set sect clique circle pupils faith outlook belief stamp creed way disbelief tutor coach lead show prime manage direct inform train verse drill guide ignore hide learn forget academe academic community academicians savants school breed cultivate develop discipline educate feed form foster nourish nurture provide for rear support teach Mafia assembly bunch cabal camarilla camp clan club companions company comrades coterie crew cronies crowd crush fraternity gang in-group insiders intimates lot mob outfit posse ring society sorority branch brand cast caste character classification collection color degree denomination department description designation distinction division domain estate family feather frame genre genus grade grain grouping hierarchy humor ilk kidney league make mold name nature order origin property province quality range rank rate section selection source species sphere standing status stripe style suit temperament value variety break in cram hone lay it out for lick into shape prepare pull one's coat put through the grind put through the mill ready abbey cloister monastery religious community retreat academia bring up convent School Movement movement craft mastery trade knack method lack science want unskill guile deceit design painting molding portrayal imitation carving modeling shaping sculpting sketching ability achievement act art attainment bringing about capability carrying out completion conclusion consummation coup deed effecting effort execution exploit feat finish fulfillment performance production proficiency realization skill stroke talent triumph business career day gig dodge employment gig handicraft hang life's work lifework line metier mission métier nine-to-five occupation play province pursuit racket rat race slot swindle vocation walk of life work artwork oil picture piece portrait still life watercolor adequacy aptitude capacity competence cunning effectiveness efficacy efficiency facility faculty means might potency potential potentiality power qualification qualifiedness wherewithal adeptness adroitness artistry cleverness dexterity expertness ingenuity know-how technique artfulness artifice cageyness canniness contrivance craftiness disingenuity duplicity foxiness ruse shrewdness slyness stratagem strategy subterfuge subtlety trickery wiles wiliness accomplishment calling canvas Art aight okay sure yes cool sweet awesome straight coo sounds good for sure right on frank zappa drawing beautiful unique trash paint music poetry dance theatre creation concept visual fine art briggsy turder prize crayola pretentious arse piece collection category Category expert whiz scientist aerialist artist athlete balancer clown contortionist dancer funambulist gymnast performer stunt person trapezist tumbler amateur barnstormer bit player character comedian entertainer extra foil ham hambone headliner idol impersonator ingenue ingénue lead mime mimic pantomimist play-actor player soubrette stand-in star stooge straight person thesp thespian trouper understudy ventriloquist villain walk-on builder creator designer draftsperson engineer inventor maker master builder originator planner prime mover beatnik dilettante flower child free spirit gypsy hippie iconoclast writer caricaturist comic artist gag person gagster illustrator social critic ace adept artiste authority buff connoisseur doyen graduate guru hot shot old hand old pro phenomenon pro professional proficient shark virtuoso wizard acrobat actor architect bohemian cartoonist Artist job Job titles Title
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